Sound Advice - Songwriter's Block?

This is FWN's 'Dear Abby' column: musicians send us questions, we post them with answers and a fun made-up pseudonym.

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Take that ya silly blocks!

Dear FWN,

I'm the main songwriter for my band but there's a problem. You see, I haven't exactly been writing songs lately.

The lyrics, it's.. it's as if they've abandoned me. I'm talking Dikembe Mutombo-quality blockage. 

Help me break out of this funk! Please band oracle, please!  

Thanks again for all you do,

Stump Ed Again 

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We can free you from this man's tyranny 

Dearest Stump,

Ah, the writing gods are wagging their proverbial Dikembe finger at you, huh? No worries, it happens to the best of us (and in our case, the worst of us). 

I have two solutions for you to consider; I see this as a simple matter of space and preparation. 

Writing Space

What is your writing space like? Where do you write? Alone? Around others? Outside? Indoors? Sober? Er.. not sober?

I'd start here. Make small changes to your writing space.

If you write while "under the influence" try writing in the morning before anything too crazy can happen. What's that? You're shit-wasted by 9am? Daily?

Well then, maybe aiming for sober was a stretch. Try shooting for some larger target, like maybe only try being half-shit-wasted by 9am (quarter-shit-wasted preferable).   

If you typically write alone let me suggest writing at the bus station or the airport or some other depot where humanity can fully engulf you.

I often refer to people-watching as prompt-fishing. We humans are living, breathing, walking prompts. I write in public spaces for these cherished writing prompts alone.

Space. Context. These things matter. Matter matters. Space matters. Ladders matter!

[inner dialogue] "Where the fuck am I going with this? Ladders matter??? WTF man?! Reel it in, reel it..." 

Lookie here Stump, there's always trophies for participants of Context Contests.

Preparation 

How do you go about writing a song exactly Stump? Do you prefer to discover the song organically? Do you just let the lyrics and melody emanate straight from your Chi?

or...

Is your writing style more structured? Do you have outlines and topics laid out beforehand?

If you're just a natural born songwriting guru whose lyrical aura produces a heat index of 373.1339 Kelvin, I got nothing to offer you.

However, if you are looking for the easy path?? Short Cut is my middle name (for real though, it's Prewitt Short Cut Scott-Jackson. Check it. I got papers, dude).   

My papers, dude. I'm not a Pomeranian.

If I were a Dr. I'd prescribe you a healthy dose of Mad Lib Methodology. You remember Mad Libs, yea?      

Oh man, they got Buffy Mad Libs now? [Clicks 'Add to Cart' button]

1. Start with 2-3 adjectives. You can choose adjectives with positive or negative connotations but stay congruent, don't mix & match. Examples: dirty, cynical, dogmatic (negative) or generous, inventive, resourceful (positive)

2. Next, choose one of your hobbies. A verb, something you like to do (run, swing, jump, hike)

3. Pick your favorite color 

4. Someone you look up to (famous, historical or otherwise)

5. Favorite mode of locomotion (walking, running, quadrumanous, tip-toeing, dancing, etc.)

6. Choose your favorite native North American alpha-predator (wolf, black bear, mountain lion, etc.) 

7. Favorite object in the solar system (our solar system)

8. ALWAYS use the "yea, [insert chorus refrain here]" technique* 

And like that, poof! Buh-bye blocks!

Here's a song I wrote in about 3 minutes using sacred Mad Lib songwriting technologies:

"Tip-Toe Sun" by Prewitt Scott-Jackson and The Short Cuts

with dirty jeans your cynical beans

sprouted from dogmatic means

like hiking with no wolf to guide you

no worries, Day-Lewis will find you

'cause

it's a

Green, green, green

tip-toe Sun

livin' under a

Green, green, green

tip-toe Sun

Yea, it's a tip-toe Sun*

1 million heart emojis

Okay, so that song is fucking hot garbage fire, but hey, you get the picture. Next time you start to feel lyrically-challenged, Mad Lib it up!

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Wishing you all the best in your future songwriting endeavors Stump,

Regretfully yours,

FWN

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about the word writer person:

Prewitt Scott-Jackson writes Dad poetry & short fiction when he's not hyping and typing for Fort Worth Noise. His writing can be found in Ghost City Press (New York), Five 2 One Magazine (Los Angeles), Prairie Schooner (University of Nebraska Press) and Sick Lit Magazine (Texas), among others. He prefers short walks on the beach because – and I quote – “It’s really hard to walk on sand.”

Sound Advice - Drugs You Can and Cannot Take Prior to Playing a Gig

This is FWN's 'Dear Abby' column: musicians send us questions, we post them with answers and a fun made-up pseudonym.

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Take too much and your band could end up looking like the cast from Candyland

Dear FWN,

Is there like a guideline out there somewhere that speaks to the types of illegal drugs that are conducive to playing live shows? I guess what I mean to say is: Are there drugs you recommend taking or not taking prior to playing a gig?

Just looking for a reference point, ya know? Like, I could figure this out on my own via trial and error but obviously that could prove catastrophic for the band if I stepped into the wrong shit, or took too much shit, etc.

Thanks again for all your guidance,

Wee D. Bagwell  

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Dearest Wee,

First off, you've come to the right place. We got you.

Secondly, why YES, we do have an official guideline!

Without further ado we give you...

......

......

....Fort Worth Noise's Official Guideline of Acceptable and Unacceptable Drugs to Consume Prior to Playing a Gig

Alcohol (Booze, Bevvies, Hooch) - YES - Everyone in the band should have a little bit of this in their system prior to performing. And you know what? It goes down well during and after the performance too. Exception: The drummer. Alcohol does not enhance hand-eye-foot coordination, do not let your drummer convince you otherwise.

Amphetamines (Speed, Billy, Whiz, Phet) - NO - If anything, for live shows, your band should be aiming to play at a slower BPM not a faster one than your recordings. Exception: The drummer but only if said drummer is in a thrash metal or punk band. 

Cannabis (Dope, Hash, Weed, Pot, Skunk, Ganja, Spliff, Green) - YES - This 10000% enhances the experience for everyone involved. Exception: None.

Cocaine and Crack (Coke, Charlie, White, Snow, Sniff) - NO - Unless you want a band full of paranoid lying sacks of shit, FWN does not recommend. Exception: If you are in a Disco band everyone in the band MUST do coke.

Ecstasy (E, Beans, Pills, Doves, Apples) - YES & NO - On the one hand, if you want your band to be emotive in their performance style, I mean, look no further. On the other hand however, your guitarist could wind up licking his fret board mid-show. Exception: N/A 

Heroin (Smack, Junk, H, Brown, Gear, Skag) - NO - Unless you are curious as to how fans would react to one of your band mates dying on stage, we do not recommend. Exception: You are literally Kurt Cobain. 

Ketamine (Green, K, Special K, Super K, Horse Tranq) - NO - Being hella Tranq'd-out is not exactly conducive to passable live performances. Exception: Your band has the word 'Horse' in its name. 

Khat (Qat, Quat, Chat) - WTF IS KHAT?? IDK BUT I KINDA WANNA TRY IT NOW

LSD (Acid, Tabs, Trips, Paper) - YES - Acid is highly recommended but only if you can handle your shit. Exception: If one of your bandmates cannot handle their shit, do not give that person acid.

Magic Mushrooms (Shrooms, Mushies, Magics) - YES - Of course. Always, just 'cause. Exception: None. 

Tobacco (Ciggies, Tabs, Smokes) - YES - This is pretty much expected and bonus(!): they double as stage props if used during the performance. Guitarists can hang them from their headstock (pretty fancy trick), vocalists can look cool af and sing while it hangs from the side of their mouth, drummers can no-look flick them into the audience like flingin' a broken drum stick, etc. Exception: If you find yourself gigging in Dallas or other smoke-free venue, obvs there will be no on-stage consumption.

Volatile Substances (Solvents, Gasoline, Whippets, Magic Markers) - FUCK NO - Just no. Exception: Whippets are pretty fun when you are already high on something else; so idk, maybe this is the lone exception?? 

Hope you found our guide useful Mr. Bagwell,

Catch you on the flip side,

FWN

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about the word writer person:

Prewitt Scott-Jackson writes Dad poetry & short fiction when he's not hyping and typing for Fort Worth Noise. His writing can be found in Ghost City Press (New York), Five 2 One Magazine (Los Angeles), Prairie Schooner (University of Nebraska Press) and Sick Lit Magazine (Texas), among others. He prefers short walks on the beach because – and I quote – “It’s really hard to walk on sand.”

Sound Advice - Should We Battle Other Bands?

This is FWN's 'Dear Abby' column: musicians send us questions, we post them with answers and a fun made-up pseudonym.

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Musicians LARPing >>> Musicians "Battling"

Dear FWN,

Our band received a well-thought-out mass email asking us to play in a Battle of the Bands next month in Deep Ellum. Seems legit, right???

I know BotBs have a bad rep but are they really all that bad? 

Best regards,

Ron D. Corna

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Dearest Ron,

Just so we are 100% crystal, let's bullet point this joint:

• Run far the fuck away from that email
• (Seriously, far the fuck away!)
• (That's not far enough Ron)
• Take a hot shower
• Have an IT guy wipe your entire computer
• Finally ... REPENT REPENT REPENT my son for even considering the possibility

*wipes sweat from brow*

Regretfully yours,

FWN

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about the word writer person:

Prewitt Scott-Jackson writes Dad poetry & short fiction when he's not hyping and typing for Fort Worth Noise. His writing can be found in Ghost City Press (New York), Five 2 One Magazine (Los Angeles), Prairie Schooner (University of Nebraska Press) and Sick Lit Magazine (Texas), among others. He prefers short walks on the beach because – and I quote – “It’s really hard to walk on sand.”

Sound Advice - To Load In or Not To Load In? That is the Question

Yours truly loading out on Sunset Blvd w/ the legendary Harry Perry

This is FWN's 'Dear Abby' column: musicians send us questions, we post them with answers and a fun made-up pseudonym.

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Dear FWN,

My band is never on time for ‘load in.’ Not being hyperbolic, I mean never; as in not one single time. I have two questions:

      1.       Is load in even important?

      2.      If yes, how can I get the rest of the gang there on time?

Forever in your debt,

Rattail McGuffin

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Mornin’ Rattail,

Thanks for writing in. The answer to your question depends on who you’re asking.

For instance, apparently load in is not important to your band. And that’s cool 'cause responsibility and all that is def. NOT cool ergo your band does not show up on time for load in. I get it. 

If you have band members running late due to work obligations, family obligations etc. that's a different story. Cover your band mates and load their gear for them, no biggie. You can also email or call the promoter to let them know you're running late.

It sounds to me like your band falls into the former category of simply not giving a shit. Again, I get it. I don't give a shit about most things ... just don't expect everyone else to 'get it.'  

Yikes!

The promoter, the venue owner, the sound tech and the other bands all need you to be there on time for load in. 15-30 minutes late? No worries, a little tardiness is to be expected, honestly. But much more than that? Ruh roh. 

Here's why a punctual load in matters:

1. Generally speaking, being on time for load in is a sign of respect to the club owners and promoters. It will endear you to them. You want them to book you again, no? 

There's more serious implications to this as well. Think of load in as a restaurant reservation; being on time for load in guarantees your place on the bill because: "if your entire 'party' is not here I can't seat you." I've seen bands pulled from bills for being late to load in. Load in is akin to check in, after that, you're free to do whatevs for the next couple hours.    

2. Being on time for load in affects the sound tech and other bands tremendously. If you are playing last, or even next to last, often times you will be asked to back line. Hence you'll need to back line prior to the first band setting up their gear on stage. Preferably you back line AND soundcheck prior to the first band setting up on stage.  

Definitely need to show up in time for load in if this guy is your drummer

One of the things you positively cannot do is load in gear during the set of another band. Not cool. I've seen people knifed for lesser offenses.   

If you have your own lights, or laptop that needs to direct in, or any other specific requests for the sound tech, these issues can be easily addressed and achieved with a punctual load in.

Part II of your question requires some salesmanship, and in some cases, outright manipulation.

Outright Manipulation: The simple way to get your band mates to show up on time? Tell them load in is an hour earlier than the posted time.

If load in is 8:30pm, tell them 7:30pm. It's evil I know, but I swear by this method and seen it bear many a punctual load in fruit. They'll either be on time or early. I've gone as far as editing the email from the promoter before forwarding to the rest of the band; just go in the email body, change it to an hour earlier and thank me later by buying me a beer at the next local show.

Salesmanship: Make load in fun! Sell them on it! If your band mates are into recreational drugs (of course they are), incentivize them with a fat pre-game blunt!

Load in is also a great time for you to get to know the other bands in your scene. Hell, load in downtime is how most scenes are created; it's where bandships are forged!

Lastly, I've always had this idea of hosting a Load In Olympics. Ya know? Like tug at their competitive spirit as a way to get them to the gig on time.

So about this Load In Olympics idea, I'm thinking of hosting and filming it at a local spot. 5 or 6 bands have to load the same gear using the same vehicle, loading on to the same stage - ya know, controlled variables and all. We time their load in and load out.  

Each band will have to load up the van first, untimed. The Tetris-nomics of van loading is a craft of wizardry in and of itself, plus how each band chooses to load the van determines how well they'll fare during the timed portion of the event.

Then you record the times of each band from opening the van door up until sound check.

The load out event has a completly different feel to it. It's later at night, you're tired, likely drunk or high. Everyone keeps talking to you. Higher degree of difficulty for sure.        

In between you could have events like: 8x10 Ampeg Bass Cabinet Deadlifts, Guitar Cable Detangler Speed Trials, Small Talk The Door Guy Relays, Funniest Mic Check One-Liners, etc.

Look Rattail, I never promised this would be easy. It never is. 

Hope this helps Bro Namath,

Regretfully yours,

FWN

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about the word writer person:

Prewitt Scott-Jackson writes Dad poetry & short fiction when he's not hyping and typing for Fort Worth Noise. His writing can be found in Ghost City Press (New York), Five 2 One Magazine (Los Angeles), Prairie Schooner (University of Nebraska Press) and Sick Lit Magazine (Texas), among others. He prefers short walks on the beach because – and I quote – “It’s really hard to walk on sand.”

Sound Advice - What Band Merch Should We Sell?

This is FWN's 'Dear Abby' column: musicians send us questions, we post them with answers and a fun made-up pseudonym.

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Dear FWN,

Our band needs merch to sell and before we make this kind of investment we thought it wise to ask the band oracle. Stevie really likes the idea of putting our name on a Shake Weight® or a Snuggie® but idk, what says you?   

Thanks and stuff,

Dream Apple Moon III Esq.  

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Dear Dream Apple,

For starters, please tell Stevie to find a new weed dealer.  

You see, it’s been established since the beginning of Rock, that Music, Sticker and T-Shirt constitute the Holy Trinity of Merch.

1. Stickers aren’t necessarily merch per se as you should be handing these out for free. Always. For. Free.

Stickers are Promotion’s middle name. There is no surface in Funkytown where your sticker should NOT be stuck (except for covering over another band’s sticker; never do that, it’s a total dick move). Unless of course said band once... showed up late for load-in, failed to backline, took 20 minutes to mic check and reduced your set time by more than 60%. In that case, sure, cover it up.

2. T-Shirts are an absolute-freaking must. T-Shirts are Promotion’s surname because like surnames they last FOREVER because people nostalgically hang on to them FOREVER because even though it's just a name (or t-shirt as it were) people for some reason assign much more value to it than it's actually worth. Hell, even when they outgrow the t-shirt it gets passed on to the younger generations in their family and by geez, the younger generations wear that t-shirt because "vintage" band t-shirts are never not super cool. Henceforth, even in death, your band will be promoted by purchaser of your t-shirt. 

Also, if you want to actually experience success selling the t-shirts, buy black t-shirts.

3. Music because, like, duh? Ya gotta produce a record and ya gotta package it as a record. Whether you package it digitally online or print physical copies, you must sell the record for actual money. Give away ten t-shirts for all I care but sell your record for actual money or exchange.

It’s a principle that’s nearing extinction but simply put: musicians should be paid for their music. It's important.   

If you can sell a truckload of records and t-shirts first D.A., then by all means, tell Stevie to fire off that Shake Weight® order. 

Regretfully yours,

FWN

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about the word writer person:

Prewitt Scott-Jackson writes Dad poetry & short fiction when he's not hyping and typing for Fort Worth Noise. His writing can be found in Ghost City Press (New York), Five 2 One Magazine (Los Angeles), Prairie Schooner (University of Nebraska Press) and Sick Lit Magazine (Texas), among others. He prefers short walks on the beach because – and I quote – “It’s really hard to walk on sand.”

Sound Advice - How Do We Keep our Keyboardist from Sleeping with Everyone?

This is FWN's 'Dear Abby' column: musicians send us questions, we post them with answers and a fun made-up pseudonym.

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Dear FWN,

Our keyboardist's sex addiction, well, just their overall sexiness in general, is keeping our band from reaching its maximum potential. We have a gig Saturday, so we need to place a celibate keyboardist before the weekend commences.

Thanks in advance,

Thor Hammerstein

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My Dearest Thor,

Firstly, good luck with that whole "we need to place a celibate keyboardist" thing (you have better odds placing a celibate rabbit).

I mean, check out the following list of Greek sex gods: Ray Manzarek, David Bowie, Elton John, Jerry Lee Lewis, Brian Wilson, Little Richard, Ben Folds, Richard Wright, Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Steve Winwood, Freddie Mercury, hell, even JPJ laid down some sweet sexy keys riffs. This list doesn't even include the keyboard sex goddesses! 

Now then, since we've established keyboardists/pianists are inherently sex-charged, my advice is simple: go with it.

Look, if you have a keyboardist inserted as an integral part of your band on the permanent - not one of those that show up for the occasional live gig or makes its way into a few tracks on your record - your band is instantly granted seven sexy points on the standardized 30 Seconds to Mars Jared Leto Hotness Scale™.

In summation, your options are simple:

1. Own it, embrace their sexy sensual nature, it makes your band hot hot hot! [These last three words to be read aloud in Ruby Rhod's voice]

2. Find a Rent-a-Keys player (likely to be found lurking the electronic section of your local Guitar Center; but be careful, they bite).

3. Remove keys altogether i.e. be a band with zero sex appeal.

Hope this helps Thor,

Regretfully yours,

FWN

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about the word writer person:

Prewitt Scott-Jackson writes Dad poetry & short fiction when he's not hyping and typing for Fort Worth Noise. His writing can be found in Ghost City Press (New York), Five 2 One Magazine (Los Angeles), Prairie Schooner (University of Nebraska Press) and Sick Lit Magazine (Texas), among others. He prefers short walks on the beach because – and I quote – “It’s really hard to walk on sand.”

Sound Advice - What's the Best Way to Come Up with a Band Name?

This is FWN's 'Dear Abby' column: musicians send us questions, we post them with answers and a fun made-up pseudonym.

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Dear FWN,

Just formed a new band but we are seriously struggling to come up with a solid band name. What's the best way to come up with a band name?

xoxo,

Mic McAwesometown

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Hi Mic,

Great question. Like most things in life there are two ways to approach this common band conundrum: the easy way, and the hard way. 

The easy way is, well, it's easy. There are many band name generator websites out there that are capable of providing ass-kicking band names in a matter of nanoseconds.

Try bandnamemaker.com - I did, just now. I typed in the word Wolf and voila! Insta-results included Wolf Steak, Tax of the Wolf Cabbage, Wolf Spouse, Wolf Pasta & Unborn Wolf of the Edible Tomorrow.

The hard way involves much more preparation and dedication. As it were, this advice column aims to please so I will break it down into 5 simple steps:

1. Procure enough Peyote for the entire band to get comfortably shit-wasted.

2. Procure reliable vehicle that can make the drive out to the West Texas desert.

3. Fast for three days prior to making the trip.

4. Upon arrival, find the most desolate location imaginable and consume said Peyote.

5. Just wait for it.

Hope this helps Mic, appreciate the question.

Regretfully yours,

FWN

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about the word writer person:

Prewitt Scott-Jackson writes Dad poetry & short fiction when he's not hyping and typing for Fort Worth Noise. His writing can be found in Ghost City Press (New York), Five 2 One Magazine (Los Angeles), Prairie Schooner (University of Nebraska Press) and Sick Lit Magazine (Texas), among others. He prefers short walks on the beach because – and I quote – “It’s really hard to walk on sand.”